“If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don’t want to cry anymore, you don’t listen to that song anymore”. – Hannah Baker, from the book Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher.
Cellphone’s away, no more music to play. Quietly lying on bed, my eyes are just fixed on staring at the dusty ceiling that serves as a wall between me and the beautiful night sky. My mind is shifting from just creating patterns and images on the dusts, to asking myself if I’m really living my life the way I wanted now. Nights like this is surely a battle that everyone fights.
A peaceful night is the comfort of my restless soul. Every night after a very stressful day, I imagine things I dreamed of happening to life. I think of the person I want to become, things I want to do, think of the place I want to go.
I shifted my position a bit and in just a while, my eyes darted on the old but sturdy shelf beneath my feet. Books, novels, magazines, photos and CDs. They echo everything about me.
Without even closing my eyes, I start having dreams. What if my life become one of those wonderful books I have read? What if I can be a peculiar teenager and live in Miss Peregrine’s home in Cairn, England? What if somebody found out that I’m actually a divergent like Tris? How does it feel to be the daughter of a god from Olympus? Or maybe I can try becoming a mystery solver from Harvard like Professor Robert Langdon. Despite the darkness of the room, I can picture myself grinning of the thought. Guess I’m better of a writer than a fictional character.
That old shelf had definitely brings back memories I still treasure inside me. The sketches, drawings and watercolor paintings I made clearly show how do I express myself when I couldn’t put everything in words. Sometimes, people praise me for they see potentials in me being an artist, and I’m very grateful to them. Besides, arts make me feel delighted in countless ways.
After being engaged with my drawings, I tried closing my eyes to force a sleep to visit me. It is already 12:30 in the morning and I know well that my body needs some 10-hour break. To no avail, my mind once again traveled to the pictures of places I want to visit someday.
The truth is, I’m scared of the thought that I may not be able to go there if I don’t succeed in my career. Flying to the cherry blossoms and anime of Japan, to the Namsan tower and Jeju Island of South Korea, to the Basilica of Rome, to the floating city of Venice, to the old castles of Scotland, to the geoglyphs in Peru, to the ruins of Athens in Greece, to the pyramids of Giza, to the northern lights of Norway, to the great ocean road of Australia and many more.
My mind traveled the world in just a blink of my eyes. I’m tired tonight, yet I’m still alive and the night comforts me by letting me have my precious dreams before sleeping. There are more indisputable things that will surprise me when I wake up.
I just need to tell myself, “It feels like I’m the night sky, sometimes I’m cloudy, sometimes I’m bright and tonight I’m full of stars.”